Wherever you go, there you are...

I wish I had some pictures to go with this post, but its probably better that I don't - they'd be mainly empty wine bottles and rainy days and sad pathetic shots of crumbling post-Soviet infrastructure, to match my mood.

Tbilisi is actually the most beautiful city I've ever seen. A sublime mix of old and new, culture and consumerism, religion and modernism. My hotel has a glass sauna on the 18th floor and I've been spending half an hour there every night looking over the twinkling lights reflecting off the Mt'k'vari River....and thinking (always a dangerous thing).

In a lot of ways, this work trip is the culmination of what my hopes and dreams for this job were. I'm in a foreign country, working to build health infrastructure and public health capacity with eager clinicians and epidemiologists, working with some of the top movers and shakers in the global health field, and enjoying some of the perks of traveling on the government dime. But despite all the excitement and opportunity, I go sit in the sauna at the end of the day and feel pretty - empty.

I dread going back to Egypt. The political and social unrest, the lack of friendly faces and social support, and regular 10-12 hour work days are beginning to take their toll. I feel unconfident in the work I do - it sounds impressive on paper, but at the end of the day its hard for me to say what I actually accomplished.

I came to this job because I thought it would make me fulfilled. I had dreamed of working in Global Health for a long time, and this was my opportunity, despite the fact that it came at a most inopportune time. I don't feel fulfilled. I feel lost, insecure, and more than a little scared about what the future holds.

So if this isn't what fulfills me - what will? I have some clues, but I don't know whether to trust them.

1. I had the most wonderful social and support system in Austin. I was surrounded by so many awesome people who were always up for a variety of things - going out, staying in, checking out music, cooking, camping, traveling etc. I obviously need more of a social connection in my life to feel happy.

2. Yesterday, Dr. S (the neurologist from CDC who is here working with me on this study) was called to do a consultation for one of the participating clinicians here. Her husband is dying of lymphoma and had some neurological symptoms she was hoping Dr. S could evaluate. I accompanied him to the hospital and was so moved, as I always am, at the power of good clinical care. There isn't much to be done for this man unfortunately, but the ability to provide some expertise and a caring, thoughtful examination, is something I wish I had developed.

3. My family is having an awfully hard time right now. My mom (who is battling her own cancer diagnosis) is doing much better at the moment, but we're all very afraid of what the future will bring and what that will mean for all of us. I know she wants me to pursue my dream, but I worry that I'm wasting an opportunity to be spending time with her when we don't know how much of that we have left.

4. I am a happier person in a relationship. I know feminists everywhere are going to accuse me of drinking the Kool-Aid and succumbing to the false belief that a woman is nothing without a man. I don't think I'm "nothing" as a single person - but I know that being in a supportive, happy relationship is something I that will fulfill that little piece of emptiness I'm battling at the moment. I know my past romantic endeavors didn't work out so well, for various reasons, and maybe thats a clue that marriage/partnership isn't in the cards for me - but I would like to hope otherwise. Living in Egypt and traveling to far corners of the world isn't going to put me in situations where I can spend time developing those relationships.

All of these things are pointing me back home - maybe to starting pursuing a clinical care degree while spending time with my family and being closer to my friends. Maybe I'm just running from a challenge. I have no idea how to assess that. All I can do is keep going for now, and look for opportunities to change my situation at every chance I get.